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♡Love is knowing my brand of tampons even when I dont♡

I used to think love meant a passionate kiss or stolen moments before work in the morning with my husband. I like so many other young people thought I knew what love really meant. I started dating my husband, kevin, when I was 18. We got married and bought our farm when I was 23. I was so head over heals in love that I thought I had it all figured out…..yes thought……

After ten years together, six years of marriage, a farm, three children, ten horses, and throwing his crap out the back door at least twice, I have a better understanding of what love really is.

A few weeks ago I realized how much I love my husband. He didn’t buy me jewelry,  he didn’t bring home flowers, he didn’t show up with a horse (Although that could have impressed me)…..
I had made a shopping list earlier in the day and he picked it up and offered to go to the store and do the shopping. Gratefully I accepted his offer. He shopped while I wrangled our three rowdy girls through bedtime routine.

Kids in bed and Kevin finally arrived home. We quietly unpacked groceries daring not to make too much noise and awaken the beasts. I came to the last walmart bag that was full of bathroom stuff….soap….shampoo….and tampons. I had not written tampons on my list….

I looked to Kevin and he quietly said “I know they weren’t on the list but I noticed you were almost out.”  It was at this moment that I realized how much I love my husband. Not only had he noticed when I was in need, he had bought the only brand of tampons I will use. His actions told me he is always looking out for me…..it told me he pays attention to the things that matter to me no matter how small or insignificant they may seem…..it told me he will always provide and I can trust him to be the man of the house and provide what will be needed.  It told me he will always put my needs before his own pride or image.

Nowadays I realize love is when my husband offers to change a diaper after I’ve changed a million, I realize love is my husband working long days to provide for our family, love is him telling me to take a 5 minute break when the kids are driving me insane, love is my husband knowing my brand of tampons even when I dont…..

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Guilty

In my four years and eleven months of being a parent I have come to the conclusion that parenting is all about guilt.

In the begining you feel guilty if you hold the baby too much….you feel guilty if you don’t hold the baby enough.

You feel guilty if you work….you feel guilty if you don’t work and contribute to the household financially.

You feel guilty if you feed your kids junk food.. .you feel guilty if you make them eat healthy…

You feel guilty if you take time away from them…..you feel guilty for not giving them alone time.

I could go on for hours…..but for the sake of everyone’s sanity I wont. Point being no matter what we do as parents there will always be guilt .. or will there?

Looking back I have spent too much valuable time and energy trying to be the “perfect parent”. I was wasting valuable resources of myself being guilty for what I was or was not doing as a parent.

Truth is everyone really is a critic when it comes to parenting…..and truth is…..I could not care less anymore. I figure I am doing the best job that I know how and I refuse to feel guilty any longer.

So I am going to smile and just do what I see fit. No guilt added!

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How bout them cowgirls

Last night I was out working my mare, Jo, and my four year old daughter Boo was doing one of her favorite activities……being my “judge”. Stinkin’ little critter doesn’t miss even one of my mistakes while I’m riding. If I don’t have my heels down and head up, back straight, etc she is always quick on the draw with a never quiet , “mama heels DOWN chin UP back STRAIGHT!” I hear my own coaching echo back to me loud and clear from her little mouth. But what makes me smile is despite all of my mistakes she catches she also calls out frequent , “good posture, your hands look great, great stop mama, talk to him with your body not just your hands!” And the list could go on and on. It makes me smile when  she shouts her encouragement because I know she is mimicking me.
Although we don’t lead a fancy life, these are the moments that make me so proud of my three girls. They are learning a way of life that is sadly dying out. True farm and ranch families are outdated and being canceled out by big money corporate farms and cities. It gets harder and harder every year that goes by for farmers to keep their head above water and get bills payed. But aside from my soap box I am proud to raise my children in this fashion . 
After I worked Jo for a good hour Boo begged to get on and take her for some slow work to cool her down. My husband, kevin, stopped to watch and teased boo that she couldn’t be a cowgirl wearing rubber boots and shorts.  She didn’t miss a beat  before sayi g , “daddy bein’ a cowgirl isn’t about boots or shorts, it’s about how you conduct yourself. Besides any fool can put on boots and jeans. Me, I’m the real deal.” All the while with a huge grin on her face sitting astride my big Grey mare Jo. 
Honestly it is hard raising three girls with strong personalities. They always know exactly what they want and they are willing to fight for it. sometimes I wish for quiet passive children…..but then when I really think about it I really wouldn’t change my girls personalities for the world. Because I know when my girls come of age and they are ready to go out on their own they will stand on their own two feet and fight to the death for what they want. They won’t be the followers of this world….they will be leading. 
How bout them cowgirls? 

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Security Bridle….

This is my 20 month old daughter Owl, and she is holding her security bridle…..yep instead of a security blanket….She chose a bridle. She lovingly drags it to Walmart (you should see the stares people give us….like I’m letting my child carry around a torture device), it went to her last dr. Appointment,  it sits faithfully under her chair at meal times like a faithful dog awaiting her return, it has even bathed with her a time or two…

Her security item might be a bit unconventional by most standards, but on our farm it makes perfect sense. We are horse enthusiasts, and Owl loves anything  to do with them. She associates that bridle with happiness because she knows it connects her to a horse.

I think in a sense we all have security bridles….family, a necklace, a special blanket, etc.
What makes us feel secure says alot about a person. It tells us what we value and why.

I am thankful that my daughter has a security bridle….iit tells me I just may be doing something right by raising her with animals that she loves. I hope they teach her true love, I hope they teach her passion, I hope they teach her work ethic, and most of all I hope they teach her true security.

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Disease….

It’s such an ugly word….disease….just saying it makes me do that wrinkly scrunched up face just because it feels so yuck to say. And worse yet to say I. Am. Diseased.  Yes, sadly it is true. My disease is called Hashimotos. Basically my thyroid doesn’t function correctly. I tire very easily, my hair falls out…..sometimes to the point of embarrassment. …I don’t tolerate the heat well.  …..I struggle to maintain a healthy weight. ..my skin is extremely dry…..and the list goes on and on. How can my 29 year old body malfunction so badly.

When I was first diagnosed I was six months pregnant with my second daughter.  I have several scans periodically making sure tumors on my thyroid aka “the enemy”, aren’t growing. I take a fancy pill daily and get to have labs drawn frequently to make sure my drug levels are maintained appropriately. Quite simply, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

But I am thankful. Yep I am thankful for the enemy. It forces me to excersize and keep pushing myself even when I want to pull the covers over my head and just drop off to sleep wherever I am. It makes me realize that life is happening around me and I need to make the most of it.

I am thankful for Hashimotos because I quite frankly would rather have this than cancer, parkinsons, alzheimers, lupus, or any other number of disease processes that I could have gotten. Sounds awful I know. As a nurse I have seen all types of disease processes. I have seen Them destroy lives.

 I  beleive most people who are chronically ill struggle in some way. Hell, scratch that I know they do. But my hope for all those that have an ugly disease, is that they may push forward and always get out of bed when they want to roll over and dissappear in sleep, that they may always find something to smile about , and that they may win the battle every day of living and making the most of every situation given.

No one is promised tomorrow, and I am thankful for all my right nows. To anyone loudly or silently struggling, please smile and know you are not alone.

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☆Doritos for Breakfast☆

This morning Owl, Bunny, and I met up with some of our very dear friends Amber, Ellis, and Hayden. We usually walk for thirty minutes every morning but we both just were not feeling it this morning. So we decided on breakfast at Subway.

Some mornings you just have to be in the moment and enjoy the people and things around you. You have to stop worrying about how many carbs you are ingesting, you have to forget basic standards for a few moments and really just be. So that being said, I fed Owl an oatmeal raisin cookie and chocolate milk (hey it has oatmeal right?!?), and also doritos, Bunny had an assortment of egg, smashed doritos, and oatmeal cookie bits. (I’m pretty sure she drank half my coke too.)

Amber and I visited and the kids played and had fun. By the end of the thirty minute affair our children looked….well…..you saw the picture….and believe me the picture is very forgiving. It didn’t quite catch the dorito stained fingers and snotty noses of my girls. But my point In  all this is….we all lived in the moment.  No one worried about the fact our children were eating doritos for breakfast, and that Owl bathed herself in her chocolate milk when no one was looking.

All too often in the past I worried about the stigma of being that mom. You know the one that never has it together and looks like a parenting trainwreck….and so do their children. 

But I realize now other people’s opinions of me do not matter. I choose to live in the moment and enjoy my family and friends.  So yes, I fed my kids doritos and oatmeal raisin cookies and chocolate milk for breakfast, and I loved every minute of it. Today I made a memory that makes my heart smile. 

Maybe YOU should also try doritos for breakfast♡

At the HK Bar we don’t do fancy…..we do real…

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Heart of the HK Bar

Good morning to you from the HK Bar. Every morning I am blessed to wake up to not only my family, but to my non human family. This is Twilight he has been with us less than a year. He is the babysitter of the farm that I can turn my girls loose with. They can brush his hair climb all over him, feed him treats (his favorite are peppermint flavored) whatever he just loves their attention. He is also the head horse of the miniatures. He is always the first one to whinny his hello….or maybe he’s saying “feed me damnit” but either way, he at least a knowledges my presence which is great, even if it is because I’m the lunch lady.

This is Rose, she is one of our two year olds and is a sweetheart to a fault. She is the one that gets pushed around at mealtime because she is too sweet. I believe she thinks this is her best angle.
This little beauty’s name is Grace….Although she can be quite the bully and is second in command. She is very strong and always pairing with Twilight. 
This is one of “the sisters” . They are in fact sisters. They are so graceful and gentle. Their names are Celeste and Louise. 
This big girl is my Jo, she has been with me for almost a year now. She is a very proper girl that can’t believe her hair is in such a mess. She is my go to girl for anything. 
These two are my cockle burr magnets the pony horses of HK Bar. Romeo and Katelyn.
The horse on the left is Charger. He is fifteen and has been with me since was 6 months old. He is my oldest buddy that has been with me…..since I was in middle school! He was my first horse that I saddle broke and finished by myself. We became very close and I couldn’t let him go. The little gal on the right is Isis and she is awaiting her forevor home. 
There is my two old cows Ellie and Ebony that I raised from a bottle about five years ago. They are tame as cats and I love these girls .
                        
Speaking of cats here are the four kittens that have imprinted on my husband. He has a soft spot for little things even if he won’t admit it. He also secretly favors the minis.
Tucker, our red heeler, acts as guardian and papa to the kittens. He is a lovely soul and always there. 
Then there’s this guy….
My husband Kevin, is the silent heartbeat of the HK Bar. He works two and sometimes three jobs to keep the HK running. He works 16 hour days at least six days a week and yet he still comes home and eats supper with his girls and makes sure we know how much he loves us. I am in awe of this man. His work ethic and unwavering support  of our family and farm is part of why I love him so much. He is truly the last of a dying breed. 
Although the animals make the HK Bar he is truly the heartbeat. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡