The Child I Never Had

The Child I Never had would be ten years old this December. Every year that passes I think about who this person would have been. Would he have looked like me? Would she have loved horses like her little sisters?

Where have ten years gone? Where is that scared to death eighteen year old little girl that had an unplanned pregnancy?

She’s right here.

She’s now a twenty eight year old mother of three (or does it count as four?), she is a professional nurse, an accomplished horseman, a devoted and loyal wife, a friend to many, and someone that now lives like every day is her last.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the child I never had.

At eighteen you think you know what life is about. At eighteen you think you know what love is. At eighteen you think you can just close your eyes and everything will be better in the morning.

At eighteen you are shocked that you could have gotten yourself in this situation. How could that eighteen year old girl be so careless?

And sometimes God has other plans. Sometimes for whatever reason He sees fit to change the story.

At eighteen when they tell you there will be no baby after all you secretly feel releived to have escaped a horrible mess you have gotten yourself into, then you cry because a part of you has literally died.

At twenty eight you know you don’t know what life is about. You just do the best you can and try to do right. At twenty eight you have a deep respect for love and you realize it’s not a fast car and pretty words but someone who would give you their last breath,and its someone who spends every day being loyal and honest and good. At twenty eight you realize that you should close your eyes and sleep well, things won’t be ok overnight, but if you’re rested you can sure as hell figure it out.

At twenty eight you realize that eighteen year old girls make mistakes all the time. You realize it doesn’t make them bad or stupid….it makes them foolish and inexperienced.

All too often I think people keep silent about the passing of a child. They tiptoe around the fact that there was a loss. For whatever reason people think by keeping silent they will save someone embarrassment,  or reliving pain , or many other reasons I can only speculate.

There is no shame in remembering a life, however short it may have been. We are all worth being thought about.

You are loved. You are missed. You are thought of.

That’s what I would tell the child I never had.

This is for all the parents who have lost a child. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily and I would like to make a stand and celebrate that life, however brief it may have been, as it was just as precious as the next.

4 thoughts on “The Child I Never Had

  1. Thank you for sharing. That 18 year old girl was forgiven and her heart healed with 3 of the sweetest girls. When we get to heaven we will meet your child. I k ow that deep hurt as my dream to have kids came to an end in 1988. I had to have a hysterectomy. For some reason when I got out of surgery they put me on the same floor with all the new mothers. So as they made me walk up and down the hall that’s all I saw was mothers holding there babies. I can’t say I will ever get over that sting of not being a mother. After all it is a part of a woman to mother. Yes Mothers Day is not my favorite and I don’t care for the holidays as they are all reminders of no kids. Now you know why i love to see your post of the girls. They are so darling. I have many friends that have shared there kids thru out the years. And yes it does help. But doesn’t take that longing and hearts desire to have my own. Again thank you for sharing your girls they have made me smile so many times.
    Love Denise

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  2. You’re a child of the one true God and what you have written needed to be said, not only for the child you lost, but for the wonderful person you have turned into because of the experience and the courage you’ve shown by telling the story in a mature and honest way. God is a loving God Heather, and that little baby is secure in his loving care The fact of the matter is that God’s love for you has given you a wonderful family and a good life because he love all his children and Heather we’ve all been through something in our lives that was a mistake because of youth and inexperience, but we’ve accepted our responsibility and move ahead, as the memory will always be with us.

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