The truth about lies; Remembering my infertility journey

The truth about lies is the more you repeat something, the more you begin to believe it.

I’m famous for saying

“I’M FINE.”

Today, December 19, 2014 I found this in an old notebook….

Today while I was shopping in Walmart I ran into a friend from high school. She was heavily pregnant with her fourth child. Three other children hid behind her, hung off the cart, and rode buckled in the seat as I politely said hello, and she continued to ask if I had children.

I heard myself saying ,”yes,  I have a two year old daughter. She is amazing. We want more children someday.” She rolled her eyes and said “Yeah, no you don’t, I should have learned after our first “.

It was all I could do to make a lame excuse to cut our encounter short, race away before she could see the tears spilling down my cheeks. Four precious babies. And she says she should have learned after the first…..yes, I have a two year old daughter…she is amazing….we want more children someday ..I remember the baby showers, the announcements on Facebook, the endless happiness around me of everyone else having what I wanted. I remember endless doctors appointments…I remember injections and sonograms and pills and surgeries and spending money we didn’t have. All for what we wanted.

I heard things like,
” But at least you have one child. ”

“It will happen if its meant to. Stop worrying!”

“You need to relax!”

And most of the time I smiled and lied and said

“I’m fine.”

The truth about lies is when your heart is breaking Into a million pieces because you are longing for something or someone so badly that seems will never appear, you have to tell yourself something to bear it all.

The truth about lies is they get you through those endless days of baby showers, the announcements on Facebook, the uncomfortable encounters with a high school friend with several children she seems to take for granted.

The truth about lies is they get you through endless doctors appointments…the injections…the sonograms….the pills..the surgeries…all the money being spent that you don’t have.

The truth about lies is sometimes they sustain us. They make the unbearable bearable. They make us falsely brave so we can push forward…inching toward the one goal of a child.

I wrote the above words three years ago. Now when I say

“I’m FINE.”


Its because I really am. I survived that brutal journey of infertility. I survived it by repeating I’m fine. I’m Fine. I’m fine.

P.s. I have three beautiful girls. To those still braving the brutal fertility journey.
You’re fine. You’re fine. You’re fine.

2 thoughts on “The truth about lies; Remembering my infertility journey

  1. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Kids are such a gift. Although I seem to have the opposite issue (kids come even when we don’t plan for them; they come almost no matter what, haha) I have a heart for those who are struggling. It’s hard to watch. It breaks my heart. There have been times I’ve been desperate for babies, and I know the longing, the disappointment, the tragedy of miscarriage.

    Infertile women are BRAVE.
    STRONG.
    COURAGEOUS.

    To them I say: Keep going. Don’t give up. “You’re fine.”

    Blessings

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s