I was hard on myself. I was prone to putting myself down. Feelings of self doubt and inadequacy were drowning me.
I was always frustrated with myself. Why couldn’t I be more fit? why couldn’t I go a whole day without wanting to tune out my kids? Why couldn’t I be the creative member of the PTO projects? Why couldn’t I have more patience with life? Why wasn’t my house picked up and decorated better?
Why? Why? Why?
I realized its because I am human. I remember the turning point in my life. I had returned to showing horses and barrel racing after more than a decade out of the arena. I found great joy in showing horses. But I found myself struggling with all that self doubt in the arena. It all began again. I’m out of shape and my horse isn’t groomed to the nines. My horse isn’t fancy broke with western pleasure gaits. Blah blah blah…
I was lying to myself. I was self sabotaging. My then four year old daughter,Boo was showing as well. And I was trying to set a good example. But I was struggling. The moment of change came when she said,
“I just want to be better than myself.”
Profound words from my four year old.
At four years old Boo had the meaning of happiness and life nailed.
So I lied, there is nothing in life I have truly mastered. But I’m now OK with that.
From then on i have seen life through different eyes. I’m not perfect, life isn’t perfect. The beauty is learning to be better than who I was yesterday, and learning to be present In the doubt, the chaos, and the uncertainty. Its living for the moment , its smiling and feeling unsure and uncertain but going ahead anyway no matter the outcome.
From the HK Bar to the world, be better than yourself.