I have hesitated to speak about this topic. I have begun at least a dozen posts much like this one. I rarely ever have a fear for judgement or ridicule of any kind. I am basically in most pretenses true to myself, and I am who I am type of person. I am naturally a forward person, often socially awkward due to being to blunt and having a general lack of appreciation of how I may be seen. Unless of course someone begins to speak of ghosts, spirits if you will, people call them by a dozen names, when people speak of these things whether a television show or thier own experiences I often wince and retreat within my own thoughts……and experiences…..
I told my neighbor and great grandfather a story once when I was about four. I told them I went to the Indian graveyard (true place nearly a mile from my mother’s farm, Mockingbird Hill Farm where I was raised) and that I saw Indians and white people camping around a fire. There were Indian ponies painted in bright red with all sorts of designs on them…..and white settlers in primitive clothing. They were all sitting round a fire. I remember it was windy and as darkness fell they leaned in closer in a circle towards the fire. No one was smiling and there was a general heaviness in the air.
I remember my Great Grandfather and my neighbor, Jim, laughing and patting my head. Of course I was telling a story, after all wasn’t I always the girls that spoke to her horses and related better to animals than people? But I also remember the smell of smoke in my nostrils mingling with the smell of dirt and sweat off the painted ponies.
The thing is, all these years later and multiple experiences later, I really wonder if it was a story from my imagination, or if maybe it did happen.
I often see flashes of something. Often dark or light grey. Like when you see someone in your peripheral vision and you can’t see any details. Just a shape and maybe some color. Only when I turn they quickly vanish. When this occurs I sometimes get a cold chill run down my spine, but more often than not the voice in my head just says oh one of you again and that is the end of it.
After the first few dozen or so of these experiences after I was an adult, I went to see an eye specialist. I was convinced I was having what they call floaters, or having some other type of visual disturbances. It turns out I was having visual disturbances, just none caused by any medical condition of my eyes. They were happening.
I have heard voices at least three times in the recent past. One of which was whispering at night. My husband and I were lying in bed when it began. I lay there listening, frozen in place wondering if my tired mind was playing tricks. That is, until my husband grabbed my hand and said, “Please tell me you hear that too?!” I said of course I hear it! Then it abruptly stopped. There was absolutely no explanation for what we heard that night.
Another time I was in bed, awake, minutes before my alarm was due to sound. I heard a young girls voice ask, “Mama? Mama?” With closed eyes, and presuming I was hearing the voice of my oldest daughter, Captain Boo, I said, “Yeah baby, climb up into bed on daddy’s side and we will get up in a few minutes.”. When after a few minutes I didn’t feel any movement on the bed, or hear any more speaking, I sat up and opened my eyes. No one was there. Upon further investigation I found my daughter sound asleep in her bed. And once again there was no explanation for the voice I had heard.
I guess I’m tired of pretending I don’t see things. I know I must sound crazy to some people. But anyone that knows me would testify that I am a stable, sane, ” normal” person. There is a stigma against people like me, people who see and hear things that can’t ever be explained.
I even hesitate to publish this, even on such an anonymous forum as a word press account. But its time I put my fear to rest, and accept myself as I am, as a “sensitive” or whatever word someone wants to label me as.